


Useless Words

by AnotherBoredFan



Category: Darkiplier - Fandom, markiplier - Fandom, youtube - Fandom
Genre: Dark, Depression, It's Not Paranoia If They're Really Out To Get You, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-26
Updated: 2018-08-14
Packaged: 2019-06-16 13:26:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15438012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnotherBoredFan/pseuds/AnotherBoredFan
Summary: A diary containing passages of Mark's mind during his darkest days that's it that's the work





	1. February 23rd

There are many sides of me. so many, that I might not able to keep track of them all.

There’s me who wants to go places and meet new people, but there’s also me who wants to shut everything out and let the night fall when everything is finally quiet. There’s me who wants to be outgoing, and there’s me who just wants to be alone. There’s me who’d die to make those who I care about proud, and there’s me who wants to just… sleep. There’s me who tries his best to be productive, and there’s me who throws everything away to complain and do the most uninteresting things in the world. There’s me who thinks creatively, and there’s me who kills creativity by simply whispering, “You’re not good enough.”

I don’t know why there’s so many of me, in me; and I don’t know which one is the original. Is it the quirky guy who yells “I’ll try my best!”, or the loner who sits in the corner repeating “I don’t need this”? Is it the leader who is busy with everything of the lazy one who is busy pretending he doesn’t exist? Is it the one people can count on? Is it the one nobody can trust? Is it the one so talkative or the one nobody wants to talk to?

I don’t get it. They’re all talking all at once. Some are shouting, some crying, some laughing, one is even in hysteria. I don’t know why. I’m just a body. They’re in control. The thing is, they never want to share me.

Can’t I just hide forever?

Everyone is chattering all at once, it’s making my chest hurt. I’m suffocating. But why do this when it hurts so damn much?

I want to go home. Where is home?


	2. March 2nd

They start to accept me when I act like them. Nobody likes differences. Everything you heard about multicultural beauty is just a bunch of bullshit. Truth is, everyone wants everything to be the same.

Everyone wants everything to run monotonously so they can get used to monotone things. Everyone wants everyone else to act in a certain way so that there’s no need to get to know anyone else because everything is already the same. Everyone wants everyone else to laugh at the same pick-up lines even though it was never funny to begin with. Everyone wants everyone else to be happy and blessed, but at the same time everyone wants someone they can share their hatred towards those who do. Everyone wants to stand out and be unique. But everyone wants to think that everything is the same.

Nobody likes themselves completely.

Nobody likes others completely.

But everybody regrets everything completely.

Knowing this, why should I waste time trying to make others laugh?

I wish I can go back to where I was, when people still know how to be happy in lonely silence. Nothing I don’t know can bother me, and I know nothing but the old tree in the backyard of that horrible school, its rotting swing, that secret way through that terribly packed library, and how to hold myself in place.


	3. March 29th

Who says I’m staying until forever? Who says I can’t just drop everything and be busy being invisible? Who says I can’t be lonely in a crowd? Who says I can’t be happy living in a mundane, uneventful life? Who says I will always be here, right where everyone can see me in my own lace, in my own home? Who says I’m the same me as you saw two seconds ago? Who says things will stay the same until you don’t care about it anymore? Who says I won’t snap now?

Who says anything about forever?


	4. April 10th

From where I’m sitting, I can see clearly what others might not see.

I see how my friends are already aging, I can see how they’d age gracefully and be a wonderful father, or a terrible aunt, or a loving grandfather. We aren't that young anymore, I can see how they take up so much attention but few conversations about things they love the most. How they would stare blankly, perhaps thinking of how they made an irreversible mistake, or just the time they woke up in the wrong side of the bed. I noticed how they’d act to their friends, how they’d laugh not because of the joke but someone else’s goofy expression, how they reply to witty comments, how they’d answer so seriously to others’ personal questions.

…All the while ignoring mine.

I can only watch them through this invisible barrier. Nobody can get through, and nobody would bother to anyway.

It’s a matter of principle.

If you get away from the land mine before one explodes, you’ll be safe.

If I avoid the drama before it’s inflicted, I won’t get hurt.

It’s a matter of principle, see? I just got to be numb.

I won’t get mad when nobody listens to me if I wasn’t talking in the first place.

I won’t feel ignored when nobody responds to anything I say if nobody was there to begin with.

“It’s time to think outside the box! Stop trying to shape others and start shaping yourself!”

It’s just that easy.

I just have to take myself away from everything.

That way, I’ll be safe. Nothing can hurt me. Maybe, until I decide to hurt myself. Now everything makes sense.


	5. June 1st

Of course nobody understands. Of course you don’t understand. You’re not like me.

Nobody’s as mad as you are. Nobody would understand. Of course, you already know that. The fact that you acknowledge your flaws but kept on doing the same thing hoping for a different result is a source of someone’s laughter somewhere, I just know it.

Of course nobody understands. Nobody wants to understand anything that made them feel uncomfortable, everybody just ignores it. This is a burden everyone wants everyone else to carry with them but nobody wants otherwise. Of course nobody understands my problem. It doesn’t exist. You can’t point it out to someone. You can’t find its source. You can’t trace any prevention. You can’t predict an outcome. You can’t win. I can’t.

Shut up, just shut up.

Of course you have to face it alone. It’s invisible; nobody can fight invisible monsters. Somebody had cut off your tongue long ago, you can never cry for help-- even after all the time wasted on those useless videos where people can pretend to be somewhat helped by what I say or do. You can’t fight it. You can't just win one fight and expect the war to be over instantly. 

But you can’t look like you’re losing.

Shut up now, would you? Nobody needs to know that shit. Close that damn mouth and do a favor for everyone. Just. Don’t. Speak. See how much quieter the world sounds when nobody lies anymore.


	6. June 3rd

There are always people out there, always, always, always. I can’t find anywhere without people ruining the place. I can’t find anyone who cares. No, of course they care ─ their attention span is simply too short, that’s the thing, isn’t it? We ''creators'' always need to keep things short because of it. Regulars. I’m one of them, anyway.

No, no I’m not. If I’m one of them they’d want to welcome me. If one of them struggles, they’d listen. If I’m one of them, then the things I’m facing now aren’t classified as a problem. But these motherfuckers are. It’s either mine isn’t something worth any glance at all, or I am not one of them. It’s pretty clear which of which is real.

There they go again with breaking the No Talking Rule. They’re never good with rules. Or boundaries. Nothing is good enough, is it?

Silence. I need silence.

I don’t want to hear anything, or else something will slip and I’ll lose control all over again. For once in a life time ─ get a hold of yourself.

I put myself into this mess. I talked as though I really cared, and now they are coming after me for it. Do I keep this act up or just tell them that no, I’m just talking to myself? It’s simply directed to me, not anyone else. Those reassuring words, those uplifting and nonsense speeches are for myself ─ because nobody cared enough to say these words for me─  
I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be in a place where I am not heard. I don’t want to be in a place where I am invisible. It’s weird because in some cases I do want to be unnoticed. It’s hilarious. I’m out of breath.

I’m suffocating.


	7. June 20th

I’ve given up.

I’m sorry for taking so much space. I’m sorry for being so ungrateful. I’m sorry I can’t pay everything you’ve done for me. Maybe they did care for me; I’m just too blind to see it. But that doesn’t matter anymore, right? That doesn’t matter anymore since they all left. I’m sorry I’m such a loser.

I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sor--

I’m so sorry.

But there’s nothing I can do to fix it, is there. This is just a waste of space.

Useless. This is all useless oh god--

Good bye.

**Author's Note:**

> Hiǃ This is my first story in this site, and english isn't exactly my first language, so bear with me, okǃ For fear of not giving the right details of Mark's life, so I'll avoid sprinkling them in this thing. I don't know, ugh.  
> By the way, thanks for readingǃ


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